As many of you know, I’m currently undergoing the arduous task of sending out query letters for my YA novel.  A necessary part of this process involves researching query letter advice – and Google has no shortage of tips.  For example, the search “how to write a query letter to a literary agent” returns almost 300,000 hits.

What I find surprising, however, is the total lack of articles on writing a quality query rejection.  And, based on the number of query rejections I’ve received, I think agents and publishers could use a bit of advice.

So here is my authoritative do/don’t list on writing query rejections.  Take note, aspiring writers – if you receive a query rejection that isn’t up to par, politely recommend this article to whomever has rejected you.

1) DO lace the letter with profanities.

The vast majority of query rejections are sickeningly polite.  A solid dose of profane language would do a lot to spice things up.  Include a handful of d/f/s/*** words and you’ll solve two problems at once – crappy writers will stop querying you, and nice guys like me will count ourselves lucky that you didn’t take us on as clients.

2) DON’T say things you don’t mean.

Closing a rejection letter with “good luck with your publishing endeavors” (or something similar) is just cruel.  That’s like an attractive friend rejecting a date invitation, then wishing you good luck with your romantic life.

If you really want me to have “good luck,” you’d offer to read my manuscript.

2.1) DON’T use the word “unfortunately.”

“Unfortunately, this project is not right for us…”

Unfortunately? Really? I don’t think you mean that. It’s even more ironic when this statement is used and then the letter closes with “Sincerely…”

2.2) DON’T use the word “regret.”

“I regret to say that I don’t feel that I’m the most appropriate agent for your work.”

Again – regret? Is that really the word you want to use? Regret is defined as: “to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.)”  If you really are sad and remorseful over rejecting me, let me send you my manuscript! Then you’ll feel better! I will too!

3) DO spell my name wrong.

Nothing softens the blow of rejection like seeing my name misspelled in a rejection letter.  If an agent didn’t read closely enough to get my name right, he/she obviously didn’t read closely enough to realize what a great client I’d be.  Phew!

4) DO threaten to sue if I ever send you another query letter.

If you don’t close the door firmly, I’m going to seriously consider resubmitting my query with a different book title and pseudonym – just to see if you’re consistent. Save me the trouble and threaten legal action if I ever contact you again.

5) DON’T include your contact information at the bottom of the email.

You’ve just told me you’re not interested in my work – so why the hell are you giving me your address, phone number, and email?  Is it some kind of subliminal message?  Do you want me to contact you again?  Argh!

6) DO write in all caps.

If you’re going to the trouble of sending me a rejection letter, at least give it some oomph. Nothing says “we’re not interested” like a letter written in all caps.

7) DON’T call my “project” interesting.

“Although your project sounds interesting, we unfortunately do not feel it is right for us.”

No one is fooled by your use of the word interesting.  Interesting is one of those ambiguous words – like special – that could mean “good” or “bad.”  And, if you meant interesting as in good interesting, you would have requested manuscript pages.  This is a rejection letter, so you can only mean bad interesting, as in, “don’t you look…interesting…today.”

8) DO use form rejection letters.

Generic rejection is COMPLETELY preferable to personalized rejection.  If you really want to go the extra mile, please leave the underlined sections of your form letter visible, like so:

“Dear Tanner:

Thank you for querying us regarding your novel Teal…”

9) DON’T recommend pursuing other agents.

“We encourage you to query other agencies…”

So let me get this straight – you obviously don’t consider me a talented writer, yet you recommend contacting other agents.  Is this part of some nefarious plot to ruin your competitor’s careers?  A ha!  I’m on to you!

The fact that you’ve just rejected me means that I have no choice but to pursue other agents.  Save yourself the trouble and stick to “thanks, but no thanks.”  I can infer the need to pursue other agents on my own.

10) DO accept any query letters starting with, “My name is Tanner Helland, and I would like to present my novel for your consideration…”

This one’s a given.  :)